Treat Her Well

The man at the door

Watch a man walk through his own front door and you will learn more about him than from anything he says in public.

Outside he is patient. He listens to his boss. He is polite to strangers. Then he comes home and his voice changes. The patience was a uniform, and he takes it off at the door.

The Prophet ﷺ measured a man at that door. He said: the best of you is the best to his wives, and I am the best of you to my wives. And he said: the most complete of the believers in faith is the one with the best character, and the best of you are those who are best to your women.

The scale is plain. A man is weighed by how the women under his roof are treated, at the end of a long day, when nobody is watching but Allah.

Jami at-Tirmidhi 3895, sahih per Darussalam · Jami at-Tirmidhi 1162, hasan per Darussalam

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The word is ma'ruf

One word runs through every command Allah gives a man about women. Ma'ruf.

It comes from 'arafa, to know. Ma'ruf is what is known and recognized as good. Lane's Lexicon gives it as goodness, a good quality or action, gentleness, beneficence and kindness. Its opposite is munkar, what decent people reject on sight.

Allah commands it in one line: wa 'ashiruhunna bil-ma'ruf. Live with them in kindness (4:19). He commands it again when a marriage ends: retain them in kindness or release them in kindness, and do not keep them to harm them; whoever does that has wronged himself (2:231). Kindness is the standard in the good days and the standard on the way out.

Lane's Lexicon on '-r-f · Quran 4:19 · Quran 2:231

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What Allah says she is

Before Allah tells you how to treat her, He tells you what she is. He created mankind from one soul and from it created its mate (4:1). She comes from the same soul you do.

وَمِنْ ءَايَٰتِهِۦٓ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَٰجًۭا لِّتَسْكُنُوٓا۟ إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةًۭ وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِى ذَٰلِكَ لَءَايَٰتٍۢ لِّقَوْمٍۢ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

Wa min ayatihi an khalaqa lakum min anfusikum azwajan li-taskunu ilayha wa ja'ala baynakum mawaddatan wa rahmah, inna fi dhalika la-ayatin li-qawmin yatafakkarun

And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought. (Surah Ar-Rum 30:21)

Tranquillity, affection and mercy. Allah called the marriage itself one of His signs. A man who brings fear into that house is vandalizing a sign of Allah.

He gave the picture of clothing:

هُنَّ لِبَاسٌۭ لَّكُمْ وَأَنتُمْ لِبَاسٌۭ لَّهُنَّ

Hunna libasun lakum wa antum libasun lahunn

They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them. (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:187)

Clothing covers, warms and protects, and it sits closer to you than anything else. It runs both ways. You are her covering, so you do not expose her faults to your friends.

And before Him, her deeds weigh exactly what yours weigh. Never will I allow to be lost the work of any worker among you, whether male or female; you are of one another (3:195). Allah lists the Muslim men and the Muslim women, the patient men and the patient women, the fasting men and the fasting women, and promises them all forgiveness and a great reward (33:35). The believing men and believing women are allies of one another (9:71).

Quran 4:1 · Quran 30:21 · Quran 2:187 · Quran 3:195 · Quran 33:35 · Quran 9:71

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The weight on your shoulders

Allah placed a man in charge in his home. Read the reason He gives.

ٱلرِّجَالُ قَوَّٰمُونَ عَلَى ٱلنِّسَآءِ بِمَا فَضَّلَ ٱللَّهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَىٰ بَعْضٍۢ وَبِمَآ أَنفَقُوا۟ مِنْ أَمْوَٰلِهِمْ

Ar-rijalu qawwamuna 'ala an-nisa'i bima faddala Allahu ba'dahum 'ala ba'din wa bima anfaqu min amwalihim

Men are in charge of women by what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend from their wealth. (Surah An-Nisa 4:34, the opening of the ayah)

Qawwam is a man who stands over a thing to maintain it. The ayah ties his charge to what he spends. In my reading the charge is a duty before it is a privilege: the man who will not provide, protect and stand guard has abandoned the role he claims.

Allah spelled the duty out. Give the women their bridal gifts graciously (4:4). Lodge them where you live, from your means, and do not harm them to make their lives narrow (65:6). In his farewell sermon the Prophet ﷺ said: fear Allah concerning women. Their right upon you is that you provide their food and clothing in a fitting manner.

Then he made the spending worship. When a man spends on his family seeking Allah's reward, it is charity. Of every dinar you spend, in Allah's path, to free a slave, on the poor or on your family, the greatest reward is in the one spent on your family. You will be rewarded even for the morsel you put in your wife's mouth.

The rest of 4:34 addresses a marriage that is breaking, and scholars have written about its steps at length. I share and reflect; I do not rule, so I leave that to them. I will tell you what the Prophet ﷺ did. 'A'isha said he never struck a woman or a servant with his hand. He told men: do not beat Allah's handmaidens. When 'Umar complained that women had grown bold, he permitted it, and many women came to his family complaining about their husbands. He said: those men are not the best of you.

Quran 4:34 · Quran 4:4 · Quran 65:6 · Sahih Muslim 1218a · Sahih al-Bukhari 55 · Sahih Muslim 995 · Sahih al-Bukhari 56 · Sahih Muslim 2328a · Sunan Abi Dawud 2146, sahih per Al-Albani

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How he lived it

The best of men at home did not act like a guest in his own house. Al-Aswad asked 'A'isha what the Prophet ﷺ did at home. She said he kept himself busy serving his family, and when the time for prayer came, he went out to pray.

He played with his wife. 'A'isha raced him while they were travelling, and she won. Later, when she had put on weight, they raced again and he won. He said: this is for that one.

He stayed loyal to a woman after her death. Khadijah was his first wife, and he said: from her I had children. After she died he still spoke of her often, and when he slaughtered a sheep he sent portions to her friends. 'A'isha said she was jealous of no woman as much as Khadijah, a woman she never met.

Service, play and loyalty. A strong man does all three without feeling smaller for it.

Sahih al-Bukhari 676 · Sunan Abi Dawud 2578, sahih per Al-Albani · Sahih al-Bukhari 3818

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Why men get it wrong

Systems Thinking shows the loop. A man takes his pressure from the world, the job, the money, the men he could not answer, and carries it home. The house is the one place he holds power, so the pressure comes out there. She pulls back. He reads her silence as disrespect and presses harder. The home that Allah made for tranquillity becomes the place he relieves his frustration. That pattern is my observation of men, mine included, and every man can check it against his own house.

Dialectical Thinking demands the objections. The first: Allah gave men a degree over women.

Read the whole sentence. Due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable, and the men have a degree over them (2:228). Her rights come first in that line. The degree sits inside a ledger that runs both ways, and the qawwam ayah tied it to what a man spends. A man who quotes the degree and skips the rights has read half a verse.

The second objection: she is difficult. The Prophet ﷺ answered it. A believing man should not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her qualities, he will be pleased with another. And he said: I urge you to take care of the women. They are created from a rib, and the most curved part of the rib is its top; if you try to straighten it you will break it. In my reading the lesson is for the man: she will not be bent into your shape, so stop trying and start caring.

And Allah put the last word on it in the same ayah that commands kindness: if you dislike them, perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah places much good in it (4:19).

Quran 2:228 · Sahih Muslim 1468b · Sahih al-Bukhari 5186 · Quran 4:19

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Every woman in your life

This covers more than your wife. A man asked the Prophet ﷺ who most deserves his best companionship. Your mother, he said. Then who? Your mother. Then who? Your mother. Then your father. I wrote about her in Lower Your Wing.

Your daughters. He said: whoever raises two girls well until they grow up, he and I will come on the Day of Resurrection like this, and he joined his fingers together. A daughter is a road to his company.

And the women you do not know. Your sister in faith on the street, at work, on your screen. Allah told the believing men to lower their gaze and guard their private parts, because that is purer for them (24:30). Her dignity in public starts with your eyes. I wrote about that in Lower Your Gaze.

Sahih al-Bukhari 5971 · Sahih Muslim 2631 · Quran 24:30

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The practice

The rules come from the Quran and the Sunnah (the example of the Prophet ﷺ). The order is mine.

1. Check yourself at the door. Leave the day's pressure outside and bring the same patience home that you give strangers. The best of you is the best to his family (Jami at-Tirmidhi 3895).
2. Provide, and count it as worship. Food, clothing and shelter in a fitting manner are her right, and the morsel you put in her mouth is charity (Sahih Muslim 1218a, Sahih al-Bukhari 56).
3. Serve in the house. Wash a dish, carry the child, fix what is broken. He ﷺ kept himself busy serving his family (Sahih al-Bukhari 676).
4. Never raise your hand to her. He ﷺ never struck a woman (Sahih Muslim 2328a), and he called the men who beat their wives not the best of you (Sunan Abi Dawud 2146).
5. When something in her bothers you, name one thing in her you admire, out loud, the same day (Sahih Muslim 1468b).
6. Cover her. You are her clothing (2:187). Keep her faults out of your conversations with friends and family.
7. Honor every woman in your life: your mother three times over (Sahih al-Bukhari 5971), your daughters as your road to him ﷺ (Sahih Muslim 2631), and every other woman with a lowered gaze (24:30).

Jami at-Tirmidhi 3895 · Sahih Muslim 1218a · Sahih al-Bukhari 56 · Sahih al-Bukhari 676 · Sahih Muslim 2328a · Sunan Abi Dawud 2146 · Sahih Muslim 1468b · Quran 2:187 · Sahih al-Bukhari 5971 · Sahih Muslim 2631 · Quran 24:30

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The quiet work

Kindness at home makes no noise. A plate cleared without being asked. A voice kept low when it wanted to rise. A fault you heard about and never repeated.

No one will praise you for it. Allah sees it, and His Prophet ﷺ called it the measure of the best of men. Carry one line home with you tonight:

وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِٱلْمَعْرُوفِ ۚ فَإِن كَرِهْتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تَكْرَهُوا۟ شَيْـًۭٔا وَيَجْعَلَ ٱللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيْرًۭا كَثِيرًۭا

Wa 'ashiruhunna bil-ma'ruf, fa-in karihtumuhunna fa-'asa an takrahu shay'an wa yaj'ala Allahu fihi khayran kathira

And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them, perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good. (Surah An-Nisa 4:19)

Walk through your door tonight as the man he described. The best of you, to the ones under your roof.

Quran 4:19

And live with them in kindness.

By Mike Rashid King • Allah's Humble Servant